What do you think of when you say the word Dog Helmet out loud?

The randomness of Dali……& a shout out to BoC

— 7 months ago
#artwork  #art 
Feb 25th, 2014

Holding onto the past is my only downfall. Most of ours, I would imagine if I were to make an assumption. Pain, depression, rage, all of those feelings can be associated with holding onto a time that’s far-gone. Mine is not rage though, mine is depression. “Nicholas” directly translates to victory, so you can gather that I do not take losses all that well in whatever form they may be. For many years I have struggled with depression, I have struggled with so many what-if’s of why it’s there. I have thrashed back and forth over why I wake up sometimes feeling like my own oxygen is suffocating me. To change anything takes courage and commitment, two of which I have, immense stockpiles of. But whenever I need it most, mainly when I am dealing with inner thought, I seem to be depleted. Empty. Lifeless. I seem to not be so courageous, not so quick to jump up and take action.

 The first step to addiction is admitting you have a problem: I lie. I lie very well. That would be one of my main issues, how well I am at acting the part, whatever it may be. It is when I am quiet and alone, that is when the evil side seeps out and pulls me as far down as I’ll go. This “vibe”, for lack of a better word, manipulates me to do stupid things, and I don’t mean like shooting up heroine or sticking up a liquor store for sixty bucks. This “vibe” screams every lie in my face, everything I have gotten away with and everything I planned on keeping hush-hush for my entire life. It sends me through a spiral of never-ending grief, a spiral that does nothing but remind me of how worthless I am, become and will morph into. How childish and naïve I was to suppress everything, push everyone away and feed them bullshit. Bullshit of being okay, especially when I was not okay. I would throw up my mask, a perfect shell that glistens in the sun and glows in the moonlight. This mask tailors to whomever is in front of me, being very deceptive holding down my true feelings of sadness. So deceptive to the point of I give you power, courage, the will to succeed. It was the perfect way to deflect anyone ever questioning me. Like a light switch, the second your out of the room, out of the picture, the mask burns away like acid chemically shifting into self-hate. Self abuse by word of inner thought with self-doubt and self-hate as ammunition. I can’t explain to you how dark and twisted my mind was, how cruel of a person I really am, but only to myself. I never would take it out on anyone but myself. The first time I ever admitted my real problem was one day ago. I am not depressed, that is a cute word for the broad idea of what I am going through. My problem was I hated myself. I hated who I was, who I became, what I was turning into and what direction I kept stepping towards. The cherry on top was I had passion fueling it.

Cover ups, dancing on eggshells with people about stories I’ve conjured up, spending money I don’t have on things that are just destructive, ignoring calls, usually the ones closest to me. I did all of that because I hated myself and I wanted more reasons to hate. I was looking for any opportunity to watch myself crumble, which I did with ease. Quitting jobs, putting distance between people that really care and just dropping off the face of the planet All of it has played an enormous toll on my emotions, but I only have myself to blame for not speaking about it. Every time I would rise up and try to fight back these inner feelings, this inner thought, that underlying sickness would set in motion for an even greater fall in the near future. I never understood it, but it happened like clockwork. The minuet I would gain strength and make the right choices for myself, no more than a day later I would destroy any and every defense I had tried to set in motion.            

The worst part was, every time I fell, it was only harder and harder. But the second I wrote down the words “I hate everything about you, Nick, and all of that changes right now”, I felt immediate pressure relinquish itself from my spine. I wasn’t thinking about it anymore. I had no idea where this splurge of emotion and self-fulfillment came from. That is when the next epiphany hit me. I am supposed to write. Nothing would hold me back any longer. The voice completely left, that second. From that point on I have never felt more alive in my life. I have never felt more in tune with my soul. From that point on, I have had nothing but positive thoughts.  I have never felt so comfortable in my shoes. I looked at my inner mind and destroyed it with one simple thought.

The secret’s silence has been broken and the answer could never be clearer to me. With my brain, my soul, I have the power to do anything. I can be anything or anyone I want too. I have enough talents to run an entire country, by myself. I have the courage of a thousand lion’s dens and the energy of three thousand nations. All derived from my own brain. This whole time I had been holding myself back from myself, letting my true potential sit on the side lines while grief and dismay ran amuck with my thoughts, controlling every move I was making. For so long I screamed for an answer, for why I felt like this, what did I do to deserve this feeling of constant misery? The answer was simple. I wanted it that way. The constant regurgitation of depicting every move I made, by myself. Sounds crazy doesn’t it? Well if you know me personally then all of this should come to no surprise, because I am crazy. For too long I have sat back and let negative energy get the best of me. I am in control of everything I perceive regardless of what mindset I am in. The laws of attraction are not only binding, but also ones produced by nature, not man. Whatever you put out into the world is what your going to receive, so until you stand up and stare fear directly in the eye and destroy it for good, the sun will never shine as high as it did when you were five.  I learned 15 years of information yesterday and it was all due to my own accord. I do know what I need in life. I do know what to look for in love. I refuse to be my own worst enemy any longer. My new life started almost twenty-four hours ago, one without regret, depression, self-loath, but most of all, fear. Every day of every month for every year I am alive, will now be the best day of my life. How is this possible? It’s sort of like the basic principle magic; you need to believe in it in order to see it.

My hopes with this open letter to the world is one of literally hope itself. That maybe there are more people out there like me, still facing fear everyday and letting it get the best of them, regardless of what it is, holding them back from their true potential, slowly eating away at the beautiful person that you are. That was the hardest thing I had to come to terms with yesterday, that I am beautiful inside and out.

— 7 months ago
#foodforthought  #my life  #positivity 
Free Lunch

Let’s take a moment to talk about free thinking. Better yet, lets breakdown what “free” even is. “There’s no such thing as a free lunch”. TINSTAFL. A basic vocabulary word of economics. I also happen to side with it one hundred percent. But there is one anomaly with it. The one thing that makes this scientific fact not completely clear to me is the idea of free thinking. Which to me is waking up and deciding to do better your life. Getting the idea to start a new band with your best friend. Pondering about space governments on distant planets, while sitting stoned out of your mind in an uncomfortable chair at Starbucks or even deciding on what the title of your cookbook should be, considering you wanted to start one anyways. All of these ideas, are free thoughts. I am also willing to bet none of you do enough of it. I have come to pass by many people on this planet, at least, to the extent of what my actual “planet” is. Through my passing’s I have discovered one simple trait that fills rather many, than few. That is being dull. Uncolorful. Lost in a void of simulcast, normality and conformity. I mean this is terms of life goals, what people are striving for. More so do I hear, “I would of loved to learn how to play the piano” or “It’s too bad I put down the violin”, never is it playing either of the two too much. An instrument is one of the easiest ways for anyone to tap into their true emotions, really find out just how deep their emotions run. You don’t even need to know to how play, just knowing how to actually listen to the music taps into these quick rushes of joy, or even pain in some cases. The only thing you have to do, is sit back and open up your ears to music, close your eyes and let the rush take hold. These tiny rushes of emotion are what make my day brighter, or more interesting. Basically, they make me happy to just literally be alive. Regardless, the true statement here is to be open-minded. Take that statement beyond what kind of music you listen too or what kind of food you want to eat. Keep the door unlocked for once, absorb ALL of your surrounds and analyze your readings, scanning for any benefits that are literally right under your nose. Find out what makes you, you. The more you find out about who you are as a person, the quicker you will realize what your true goals are, or should be. Friends are met much faster along the road of following your dreams, connections are made through this and your world becomes bigger than ever before. Look fear into the retina and scream “I refuse to settle for less!”. Find out what one hundred and ten percent actually feels like for once. We are all here for one reason and that is to strut our stuff for who we are as human beings. Do what so many are afraid to do and learn how to play the instrument. Become the number one, all-American Cheddar cheese industry leader, merely because *you* love Cheddar cheese. Start a one-manned bike shop in your garage. Find your passion in life and fill it up with supreme for once. Why short-change yourself? Where the world can seem like it’s loosing it’s touch is when people stop believing in themselves. I get free lunches every day that are one hundred percent food for thought. They make my world a better place to live. See what your free lunch can get you today. Life isn’t about making money and trying to conform to any set “class”. Life is about making connections and growing as a person, until the day you die. The second you let something get in the way of that, like working a dead-end job because under the impression you “have no creativity”, you become a robot. Not like a super rad robot with all sorts of gizmos like laser beams, slime-rockets and a preloaded Google search engine with a voice that sounds like Sean Connery. I am talking about a super lame-ass robot with no flair. A robot that forgot what it was like to be five years old and laugh hysterically at being covered in monarch caterpillars. A robot that isn’t a free thinker. Stand up for what is right for once and make your world a better place. This doesn’t mean you need to put more coin in the basket, this means do the world the favor it needs and fulfill your true destiny, whatever that may be.

— 10 months ago
— 10 months ago

RTTV - Interview with Ruben Lady

— 10 months ago