Holding onto the past is my only downfall. Most of ours, I would imagine if I were to make an assumption. Pain, depression, rage, all of those feelings can be associated with holding onto a time that’s far-gone. Mine is not rage though, mine is depression. “Nicholas” directly translates to victory, so you can gather that I do not take losses all that well in whatever form they may be. For many years I have struggled with depression, I have struggled with so many what-if’s of why it’s there. I have thrashed back and forth over why I wake up sometimes feeling like my own oxygen is suffocating me. To change anything takes courage and commitment, two of which I have, immense stockpiles of. But whenever I need it most, mainly when I am dealing with inner thought, I seem to be depleted. Empty. Lifeless. I seem to not be so courageous, not so quick to jump up and take action.
The first step to addiction is admitting you have a problem: I lie. I lie very well. That would be one of my main issues, how well I am at acting the part, whatever it may be. It is when I am quiet and alone, that is when the evil side seeps out and pulls me as far down as I’ll go. This “vibe”, for lack of a better word, manipulates me to do stupid things, and I don’t mean like shooting up heroine or sticking up a liquor store for sixty bucks. This “vibe” screams every lie in my face, everything I have gotten away with and everything I planned on keeping hush-hush for my entire life. It sends me through a spiral of never-ending grief, a spiral that does nothing but remind me of how worthless I am, become and will morph into. How childish and naïve I was to suppress everything, push everyone away and feed them bullshit. Bullshit of being okay, especially when I was not okay. I would throw up my mask, a perfect shell that glistens in the sun and glows in the moonlight. This mask tailors to whomever is in front of me, being very deceptive holding down my true feelings of sadness. So deceptive to the point of I give you power, courage, the will to succeed. It was the perfect way to deflect anyone ever questioning me. Like a light switch, the second your out of the room, out of the picture, the mask burns away like acid chemically shifting into self-hate. Self abuse by word of inner thought with self-doubt and self-hate as ammunition. I can’t explain to you how dark and twisted my mind was, how cruel of a person I really am, but only to myself. I never would take it out on anyone but myself. The first time I ever admitted my real problem was one day ago. I am not depressed, that is a cute word for the broad idea of what I am going through. My problem was I hated myself. I hated who I was, who I became, what I was turning into and what direction I kept stepping towards. The cherry on top was I had passion fueling it.
Cover ups, dancing on eggshells with people about stories I’ve conjured up, spending money I don’t have on things that are just destructive, ignoring calls, usually the ones closest to me. I did all of that because I hated myself and I wanted more reasons to hate. I was looking for any opportunity to watch myself crumble, which I did with ease. Quitting jobs, putting distance between people that really care and just dropping off the face of the planet All of it has played an enormous toll on my emotions, but I only have myself to blame for not speaking about it. Every time I would rise up and try to fight back these inner feelings, this inner thought, that underlying sickness would set in motion for an even greater fall in the near future. I never understood it, but it happened like clockwork. The minuet I would gain strength and make the right choices for myself, no more than a day later I would destroy any and every defense I had tried to set in motion.
The worst part was, every time I fell, it was only harder and harder. But the second I wrote down the words “I hate everything about you, Nick, and all of that changes right now”, I felt immediate pressure relinquish itself from my spine. I wasn’t thinking about it anymore. I had no idea where this splurge of emotion and self-fulfillment came from. That is when the next epiphany hit me. I am supposed to write. Nothing would hold me back any longer. The voice completely left, that second. From that point on I have never felt more alive in my life. I have never felt more in tune with my soul. From that point on, I have had nothing but positive thoughts. I have never felt so comfortable in my shoes. I looked at my inner mind and destroyed it with one simple thought.
The secret’s silence has been broken and the answer could never be clearer to me. With my brain, my soul, I have the power to do anything. I can be anything or anyone I want too. I have enough talents to run an entire country, by myself. I have the courage of a thousand lion’s dens and the energy of three thousand nations. All derived from my own brain. This whole time I had been holding myself back from myself, letting my true potential sit on the side lines while grief and dismay ran amuck with my thoughts, controlling every move I was making. For so long I screamed for an answer, for why I felt like this, what did I do to deserve this feeling of constant misery? The answer was simple. I wanted it that way. The constant regurgitation of depicting every move I made, by myself. Sounds crazy doesn’t it? Well if you know me personally then all of this should come to no surprise, because I am crazy. For too long I have sat back and let negative energy get the best of me. I am in control of everything I perceive regardless of what mindset I am in. The laws of attraction are not only binding, but also ones produced by nature, not man. Whatever you put out into the world is what your going to receive, so until you stand up and stare fear directly in the eye and destroy it for good, the sun will never shine as high as it did when you were five. I learned 15 years of information yesterday and it was all due to my own accord. I do know what I need in life. I do know what to look for in love. I refuse to be my own worst enemy any longer. My new life started almost twenty-four hours ago, one without regret, depression, self-loath, but most of all, fear. Every day of every month for every year I am alive, will now be the best day of my life. How is this possible? It’s sort of like the basic principle magic; you need to believe in it in order to see it.
My hopes with this open letter to the world is one of literally hope itself. That maybe there are more people out there like me, still facing fear everyday and letting it get the best of them, regardless of what it is, holding them back from their true potential, slowly eating away at the beautiful person that you are. That was the hardest thing I had to come to terms with yesterday, that I am beautiful inside and out.